Thursday, 17 April 2014

If You Gotta Go, Go Now



So I'm at the drugstore sitting, waiting for my prescription to be filled. I need some antibiotics for a cold and some medication to boost my chemo regime. There's these three chairs for people to use when they're waiting and next to them is a blood pressure machine. I suppose it's there to make us all fell guilty that we haven't been checking our pressure on a regular basis. Who me?

So, anyway I'm sitting there and across from me, staring me in the face is an aisle full of incontinence products. Yeah, you know, those plastic pants one can wear under their normal clothes.

To me, incontinence is largely associated with getting old. It's a serious condition, an embarrassing one, and I suppose these products go a long way in hiding this malady.

But I had to smirk as I read the wrappers that packaged up these medical marvels.

For instance one was titled "Active" and I thought, hey, just how active can an 80 year old be? Hell, I'm in my 60s and you think you can get me off the couch? Well, maybe if you waved a cheeseburger under my nose.

The next label was "Anywhere". Okay, fair enough, if you've got a peeing problem it could hit anywhere.

But the one that really killed me was the package with the label "Serenity". "Serenity"? Hell, if I have to pee in public the last thing I'm gonna feel is serene.

The other night Mrs D and I were watching the Food Network when one of these ads came on. She turned to me and said "Why is it only women seem to have this problem?" Now, I want to preserve my marriage. So, I didn't make some flip comment I merely shrugged. But she's right. It seems in the land of television advertising only women pee their pants.

Go figure.

You know I think these plastic pants people missed a perfect opportunity when they ignored using a big hit from the 60s for their advertising campaign. Yeah, see for yourself...



So finally, after 15-20 minutes of staring at plastic underpants my prescriptions were ready.

Good thing. I really had to go now.


Thursday, 10 April 2014

I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up



Who the hell watches daytime TV? Not me, normally. But I was convalescing from cataract surgery yesterday and was just kinda lying on the couch taking it easy. I started out watching the news channel and then after that got kind of repetitive switched over to the Game Show Network. There's something both networks had in common; Ads aimed at fat old people.

Between Nutri System commercials and ads for lawsuits due to strokes from testosterone gel or metal hip replacements I couldn't help but start to feel very, very old and very, very fat. Hell, Kerri lost 110 pounds! Way to go Kerri. I don't know if she emptied out her bank account purchasing the Nutri Syestem menu or not but whatever she did sure seems to have worked.

I can tell you, though, who didn't use Nutri System - those fat old people who fell in the shower, down the stairs or on the kitchen floor and couldn't get up. Lucky a friend or relative happened by to discover them just out of arms reach from that box of Krispy Kremes. And if those helpful friends hadn't happened by they might have starved to death. That's why they should have a monitor around their neck that alerts authorities that they've fallen and can't reach that dozen donuts. I don't know how much the monitor costs but it's gotta be worth it to result in being discovered before those double-chocolate dips go bad.

But you know what? It was worth putting up with Dick Clark and Bert Convey back from the grave hosting Pyramid and Super Password, not to mention those bloody commercials, if only to watch the host of the rejuvenated 1 vs 100 Carrie Anne Inaba. What a babe. I have no idea what the show was about but if there's any question about that form-fitting sexy black dress she was wearing I stand a good chance of winning.


If she fell, I wonder if she'd be able to get up?

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Bibliofile - March


Boy winter just keeps dragging on, doesn't it? There's been so much snow and such cold temperatures it kind of makes you just want to curl up with a good book. Well that's what I chose to do…twelve  times.

I kicked off the month with a quick read about Van Morrison by Greil Marcus. It turned out to be an expensive read. Not so much the book but the three rare, out of print CDs I managed to find on the internet that were highly rated by Marcus.

Dark Places by Gillian Flynn was an excellent read. I gave five stars to this precursor to Gone Girl. Another five star novel was Jeffrey Archer's Be Careful What You Wish For, the fourth book in his Clifton Saga.

Lois Lowry's four part The Giver series did not disappoint. I read them one after the other. I don't know how I came across this young adult series but I see it's now a movie with Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep, set for an August release.

Another highlight of the month was Still Life by Louise Penny. This is the first in her Chief Inspector Armand Gamache series. He's a Surete de Quebec detective and in the first book he's investigating a murder in the Eastern Townships community of Three Pines. Penny is a former journalist who turned her hand to mystery novels. I'm looking forward to reading more in this series.

I closed off the month with another thriller from Jo Nesbo, his third Harry Hole novel The Redbreast. It did not disappoint.

Here's the total list for March.

When That Rough God Goes Riding - Greil Marcus
I, Lucifer - Glen Dubcan
Parliament of Whores - P.J. O'Rourke
Dark Places - Gillian Flynn
The Giver (1) - Lois Lowry
Gathering Blue (2) - Lois Lowry
Messenger (3) - Lois Lowry
Son (4) - Lois Lowry
Still Life - Louise Penny
The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian - Sherman Alexie
Be Careful What You Wish For - Jeffrey Archer
The Redbreast - Jo Nesbo

So, the 12 books of March plus the 10 other books I've read this year means I've zipped through 22  books so far this year.

What about you? What are you reading?
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